no so smitten

i am scared now.. see i jynxed it.  i am picking out every little thing i don’t like about him just to be self distructive. he is a good guy, a sweet guy and is honest too.  he lets me whine, he lets me talk.  and i dont know how to handle it.  He tells me that he doesn’t fight.  is that a good thing?  i think it is.  i mean  he tells me that he is open to discusions and such.  but he thinks there is no reason to fight.

i am not opening up at all.  i dont know what to say. i dont know what we have in common.. but i really like him.  I know i am putting too much pressure on this already to be the ‘one’  again.  and i wish i could just chill.  i want to be myself.  but again i feel a little lost and want to hide in my bed.  i am depressed again.  i put so much faith in E… and i just can’t seem to do that with J.  its not that i dont trust him.  its that last time i fell… noone caught me…  i am totally holding back.  i have to stop with the pressure and just let things happen they way they are meant to.

smitten…

its about a boy… and i hope but typing this i am not jynxing anything.  i have a little fear about this… but i find myself trusting him… and it puzzles me.  I have no doubts in him. it seems as thought he is just as smitten about me as i am him.  he says it in his emails to me about how he made a friend sick of all his talk about me today.

he is sweet, kind and very cuddly.  i guess we just have to see how it all goes… sigh.. but i am so smitten!

I think some vodka fell into my ice tea

So I think I cried for about a total of 5 hours today.  Only 3 were straight… but hey… a girl gets dehydrated crying that much.  But I have moved on from that stage.. and thought I should get something done around the place… so I did the dishes… surprisingly they all survived… no broken dishes… lesson learnt… don’t do dishes in the angry stage of being  upset!

So I am still kinda angry.. but mellowing.  I wonder why tee he

I am currently at the stage where I hate all men… and yes I have been singing along with Lily Allen… my Hero, My idol… and singing that all men are asshole (don’t worry, I don’t really feel that way.. its just part of the healing process)

So… why… what triggered this uproar of bitchness and tears?

Me and the ex really had it out.. I was sick and tired how he kept using my dog to hurt me.  Now… I might actually give him the benefit of the doubt for a second or two and say that he might have not known he was doing it.. but fuck… it hurt like hell

If you know me… you know my dog Utah was my heart.

And to a point now I think Asshole boy was jealous! LOL but we will talk about that another time.

But strangely I was actually reminded of the bible story were 2 women are fighting over a child and God offers to cut the child in 2, so they can both be happy.  The real mother of the child offers the child to the other woman. 

So in a kind of weird way I have taken this story to heart… told asshole boy to keep the Utah and leave me the fuck alone.

I love you Utah… you are a good dog… I know that even if no one else does.  Always know that I love you.  And please please never forget your mommy.

liar, liar pants on fire…

why why ahy… is all i ask… ugh.  really i dont want to get into it again… but why do people that are supose to at least care somewhat about you lie?  Doesn’t everyone one know that when the person you have lied to… discovers the lie on their own.. its not a matter of “how could you do that” but more of a “you dont respect me as a equal”

liers of the world beware… you will lose site of your lies… and more often then not… the person you lied to just has to wait until you fuck up… and liers always do.  trust me….. liers do…

something good for me

I did something interesting last night.  I have been chatting with a boy on FB.. a total stranger.. but we had been flirting back and forth… all along i have known that he has a live in GF.  Whatever it was fun for a few days.. we just chatted on email ans such… but then i got to thinking… yah sure all this flirting and sweet talk from him was making me feel good.  But in the end i was starting to feel stupid.  He has a GF and well… talking to me… like he was really into me at the sametime.  So last night i put an end to it.  I told him.. sure it was also my fault for encouraging it… i would never accept this kind of activity from a BF of mine.  so i  told him i didn’t want to do this anymore.  It was stupid.  And he was disrespecting his GF for doing it… even if she knew that he was a flirt and does this kind of thing… if she does.. poor thing… if she doesn’t then he’s an ass.

but i did good… it felt good… i felt good because it was all for me.  fuck how he feels… really!  i mean why should i feel bad for hurting his feeling because i no longer want to flirt with him… its against my morals..  I have been preaching

Df told me to do whatever make me happy

and it would not make me happy to cry…. so i am not gonna.. cause i have no reason too other then feeling sorry for myself. so HA

i give up!

i wrote a really god post and stupid wordpress lost it! fuck u wordpress

i have 2 feet…

and as a friend at work just told me i have one foot in the past, one in the future and i am pissing all over my present.

thats how i feel today

its not a good day… i feel lonely.  i feel like no one will want to be with someone with my issues.  i feel like i am just a prop in this journey we call life for others to come and call on when they need help.  and yet there is no help for me.  there is love and support… but no real help.  nothing that makes me feel hope for the future.

EVERYone… keeps telling me i just have to take some time to myself.  and i am getting really annoyed with people telling me that.  ‘don’t date’, and ‘don’t worry’.  great… sounds like fun.  and if anyone know where my ‘worry’ off switch is, let me know.  i know i am not alone when it comes to my issues… everyone has problems… but this is me, this is my life… and right now it just seems senseless.  No i don’t need someone to live for other then myself… but i just feel stuck.  i feel left out… or like i am missing out…. or rather that i missed the boat and i am stuck standing on the dock.  

swim… and catch up?  isnt that like trying to date again?

so here i sit on the dock… on my little island…. with my cell  phone and the internet.  perhaps i should explore it.  Problem is… i know what is on it.  lots of monsters i am tired of fighting.  I call my friends when i feel sad and lonely… it cheers me for a while.. but i have gotten tired of the same old lines they feed me.  the monsters loom in the trees… sometimes wanting some company too… but i am sick of them… they play to rough.  the dock seem like the safest place to hang out…. so i sit here…. with my cell phone and my computer… trying to communicate… but knowing that everything is so far away from my island it seems so senseless. 

and then i think… am i waiting for another ship to come in?  what if one does?  and even if it does… who’s to say it will have what i am looking for?  so i look out upon the water and wonder.  I know i am not strong enough to swim that far… and i don’t want to drown in my past mistakes. 

on this dock i wait…  and i don’t even know if i am waiting for something… or nothing at all.

i had cake…

and i ate it too!!!

 it was reallllllly good!   but i can eat cake today… cause it was my birthday! you magically don’t have to worry about calories or sugar levels on your birthday….. thats what i know

it been a BUSSSY weekend… and its not even over for me.  moving has gone well though i am not done yet.  i still have to get a few things from E’s place and…. well… a BED!  that sucks… but what can you do.   i am kinda… no wait…. i am tired… and sore from lifting and bending  and sorting boxes…  so i do plan on doing a whole “year in review” thing… and perhaps what i see for my self in the future…

 funny thing… taking about ’seeing into the future’ i think i would be really neat to have one of those crystal balls…

 but as the narrorator would say about the adventures of hammy hampster ” but that’s another story”…..

do you know….

… how long it took me to drive home last night??????

4 fucking hours!!!

the snow storm from hell made my 40 min drive… 4 blood hours!!! and then i had no food or drink in the car.. so you can only guess how grumpy i was because my blood sugar levels dropped soo much… i did check my blood (with my fancy fantastic blood glucouse monitor) during the drive home… and i fully intented on testing my blood when i got home.. but i was SOOOOOOO grumpy!  my mom was trying to be so nice… warming up my dinner and hugging me…. i did my best to remember that she was just being helpful…. but if you a picture a dog that growls when you pet it… that is how i felt.  i  never did test my blood… i just isolated myself to my room until the dinner i has eaten made me feel a little less moody… then i took a shower…. dried my hair and went to bed… watching a few episoded of ‘Dead like me’ be for lights out.  i was by the time i was about to fall asleep… my sugar levels were ok…. i tested them just before… but my mood….. i was still just a little angry at the world.

crap i am out of tissues….. did i mention i have a cold?  thank God i had 2 boxes of tissues in the car!  4 hours in a car with no tissues… would have been hell.  really my nose is a facet right now.

now can i as a question?  those people that drive like idiots in that kind of weather…. what are they thinking?  obvoiusly they are not thinking ” i’m an idiot, so i best drive like one!” so what are they really thinking?  that they are better and smarter then mother nature? that thier car is magically equiped agains the conitions of the road?  Is it the fact that they have put some much money into there car that it should be invincable?  Really…. i just want to know…. if you drive fast in weather like that.. or honk or ride up my back side… YOU are who i am talking about.. your the one i gave the finger to last night as i slowly manuvered my way around a car that has just gost stuck in the snow… and YOU were riding my ass.   BACK THE FUCK OFF!!!!  because your car might hit mine… and if it does i am going to use the metal pipe i have in my car (for helping me change a tire) to beat you with…. why?  because perhaps it will knock some sense into you.. or maybe you will have too much brain damage that you can’t drive again…. i like my insurance the way it is… low… so stop driving like a fucking idiot around me!

oh… tee hee… yah… had to vent a little… sorry about that!