no so smitten

i am scared now.. see i jynxed it.  i am picking out every little thing i don’t like about him just to be self distructive. he is a good guy, a sweet guy and is honest too.  he lets me whine, he lets me talk.  and i dont know how to handle it.  He tells me that he doesn’t fight.  is that a good thing?  i think it is.  i mean  he tells me that he is open to discusions and such.  but he thinks there is no reason to fight.

i am not opening up at all.  i dont know what to say. i dont know what we have in common.. but i really like him.  I know i am putting too much pressure on this already to be the ‘one’  again.  and i wish i could just chill.  i want to be myself.  but again i feel a little lost and want to hide in my bed.  i am depressed again.  i put so much faith in E… and i just can’t seem to do that with J.  its not that i dont trust him.  its that last time i fell… noone caught me…  i am totally holding back.  i have to stop with the pressure and just let things happen they way they are meant to.

smitten…

its about a boy… and i hope but typing this i am not jynxing anything.  i have a little fear about this… but i find myself trusting him… and it puzzles me.  I have no doubts in him. it seems as thought he is just as smitten about me as i am him.  he says it in his emails to me about how he made a friend sick of all his talk about me today.

he is sweet, kind and very cuddly.  i guess we just have to see how it all goes… sigh.. but i am so smitten!

I think some vodka fell into my ice tea

So I think I cried for about a total of 5 hours today.  Only 3 were straight… but hey… a girl gets dehydrated crying that much.  But I have moved on from that stage.. and thought I should get something done around the place… so I did the dishes… surprisingly they all survived… no broken dishes… lesson learnt… don’t do dishes in the angry stage of being  upset!

So I am still kinda angry.. but mellowing.  I wonder why tee he

I am currently at the stage where I hate all men… and yes I have been singing along with Lily Allen… my Hero, My idol… and singing that all men are asshole (don’t worry, I don’t really feel that way.. its just part of the healing process)

So… why… what triggered this uproar of bitchness and tears?

Me and the ex really had it out.. I was sick and tired how he kept using my dog to hurt me.  Now… I might actually give him the benefit of the doubt for a second or two and say that he might have not known he was doing it.. but fuck… it hurt like hell

If you know me… you know my dog Utah was my heart.

And to a point now I think Asshole boy was jealous! LOL but we will talk about that another time.

But strangely I was actually reminded of the bible story were 2 women are fighting over a child and God offers to cut the child in 2, so they can both be happy.  The real mother of the child offers the child to the other woman. 

So in a kind of weird way I have taken this story to heart… told asshole boy to keep the Utah and leave me the fuck alone.

I love you Utah… you are a good dog… I know that even if no one else does.  Always know that I love you.  And please please never forget your mommy.

liar, liar pants on fire…

why why ahy… is all i ask… ugh.  really i dont want to get into it again… but why do people that are supose to at least care somewhat about you lie?  Doesn’t everyone one know that when the person you have lied to… discovers the lie on their own.. its not a matter of “how could you do that” but more of a “you dont respect me as a equal”

liers of the world beware… you will lose site of your lies… and more often then not… the person you lied to just has to wait until you fuck up… and liers always do.  trust me….. liers do…

something good for me

I did something interesting last night.  I have been chatting with a boy on FB.. a total stranger.. but we had been flirting back and forth… all along i have known that he has a live in GF.  Whatever it was fun for a few days.. we just chatted on email ans such… but then i got to thinking… yah sure all this flirting and sweet talk from him was making me feel good.  But in the end i was starting to feel stupid.  He has a GF and well… talking to me… like he was really into me at the sametime.  So last night i put an end to it.  I told him.. sure it was also my fault for encouraging it… i would never accept this kind of activity from a BF of mine.  so i  told him i didn’t want to do this anymore.  It was stupid.  And he was disrespecting his GF for doing it… even if she knew that he was a flirt and does this kind of thing… if she does.. poor thing… if she doesn’t then he’s an ass.

but i did good… it felt good… i felt good because it was all for me.  fuck how he feels… really!  i mean why should i feel bad for hurting his feeling because i no longer want to flirt with him… its against my morals..  I have been preaching

Df told me to do whatever make me happy

and it would not make me happy to cry…. so i am not gonna.. cause i have no reason too other then feeling sorry for myself. so HA

i give up!

i wrote a really god post and stupid wordpress lost it! fuck u wordpress